


Nature of the Beast

by mrswinchester67



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Bucky is a sweetheart, Comfort Food, Depression, F/M, angst/comfort fic, depression tw, fluff at the end, much angst, self doubt, self hate, sorta - Freeform, southern food, steve is a sweetheart, sweet iced tea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-14 23:49:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8033782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrswinchester67/pseuds/mrswinchester67
Summary: This is just a fic i wrote from a small idea I had. It was definitely not supposed to be this long but i'm a wordy bitch. Anyway, reader suffers from depression and anxiety and has a fare up and Bucky comforts her as best he can. Basically i just wrote this to feel better. Who doesn't need a little love from Bucky Barnes??Depression manifests in many ways and this is by no means the only symptoms. If you struggle with depression and have not sought out help, please try to reach out to someone. Sometimes it helps just to know you have one person and you're not alone.





	Nature of the Beast

**Author's Note:**

> pretty fluffy and cheesy at the end. does this happen in real life? idfk. i just wanted to write it. subpoena me. wait no dont plz.

You had adjusted to living in the Avengers tower pretty well in the last few months. You’d been a pretty high priority agent in S.H.I.E.L.D before it fell and fury had offered you a room in the compound since you usually went on missions with them anyway. Things had been pretty great. The work facility was of course top of the line equipment that worked great when you wanted to blow off some steam or take your mind off your sometimes dark thoughts. But it only worked well on the dark days that you could pull yourself out of bed.

This wasn’t one of those days. You’d been living with depression and anxiety since you were a freshmen in college and that was eight years ago. You’d found different coping mechanisms over the years and sometimes they worked, but sometimes they didn’t. Just the nature of the beast.

You could feel your body straying from its semi normal state the night before at dinner. You all sat around the big table eating, enjoying the meal and conversation while they took turns regaling each other with heroic fights and stunts that they’d performed. Each trying to outdo the last. The food was amazing, the quiet jazz music floating beneath the conversation set a nice atmosphere. It was nice. There was absolutely no reason for you to be feeling the way you were but you knew what was happening. You’d come to know the signs all too well. You tried to fight it off and focus on the laughter around you and tried to join in, but it was like you were going in slow motion. Any time you would catch the tail end of a moment and try to laugh, it was always a bit after everyone else had stopped. You could feel the haze settling in your mind and you couldn’t shake it.

Bucky, who sat next to you and had become a good friend over the last couple months, had noticed that you’d gotten progressively more quiet throughout the night and leaned a bit closer to you while Thor had everyone else’s attention.

“Hey, you okay?” he whispered, as he gently nudged you with his elbow.

You shook your head a bit trying to focus now to Bucky as you took in a small breath and tried your best to give him a smile that looked normal.  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” You hoped the smile had reached your eyes but judging by Bucky’s expression, it wasn’t convincing. Thankfully, he just nodded with a comforting smile and let it go.

You tried to drink some of your cold water hoping it would energize you a bit, maybe help you contribute to the evening. You tried to feel it work its way down to your stomach, the chill creeping down your esophagus, trying to focus on something at least. It didn’t help. If anything, it might have made you zone out more. You decided to just call it a night and head to bed.

You scooted your chair back, excusing yourself and saying goodnight to everyone and received a chorus of goodnights back as you walked to put your plate in the kitchen.

As you placed your wine glass and water glass down, you almost dropped them when a voice sounded behind you.

“Hey, I just-” Bucky started but stopped when he saw you jump, almost dropping the glasses into the sink.

“Jesus, buck…” you gripped the edge of the counter with one hand, set the plate down and held the other hand over your frantically beating heart.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” Buck apologized, coming to stand next to you at the sink and depositing his dishes there as well.

“No, it’s okay. I was kinda zoned out. Just didn’t hear you come in.” you turned to him with a small smile as your heartbeat started slowing to a normal pace.

“What I was saying is that I just came to make sure you were okay. You’re more quiet than usual.” He stared at you with such concern it made your heart ache at the sentiment. If only you could have someone like him.

“I’m okay Buck. Just… not really feeling well. I’m just gonna head up to bed a little early.” You gave him a supposedly reassuring nod and moved your plate to the sink.

“Okay, well uh…” you could tell he wasn’t quite saying all that was on his mind but you didn’t have the energy to try to figure it out right now. “Just… let me know if you need anything.” His gaze was soft as gave you another small smile and left.

You let your body carry you through the hallways mostly with muscle memory as you let your mind be free to not concentrate on anything and just be. You closed the door to your room and put on your comfy long pajama pants and baggy tshirt. The bed seemed like it was welcoming you home as you curled yourself up in the sheets and comforter and curled onto your side, hiding yourself from the world. You didn’t set an alarm. Screw whatever plans you had tomorrow. Sleep came quietly. No thoughts, no dreams. You were just thankful it wasn’t one of the sleepless ones.

\--

You stirred from your sleep, still tired. The soft light filtered through the curtains and around its edges making your room glow softly. You checked your phone and saw it was almost ten. Normally being an early riser, you would have woken up at seven and went downstairs for your usual breakfast with Bucky and Steve. You knew you should get up. It was plenty late enough. You shouldn’t still be tired. Guess this wasn’t just a one night deal this time. You sighed, annoyed at being betrayed yet again by your depression and rolled to your other side, nestling your comforter closer over your shoulder and under your chin. At least today, there was nothing important you’d be missing. Somedays, no matter what the cost, no matter what the consequences, you couldn’t bring yourself to lift the sheets, letting in the cold unwelcoming air of the world and you stayed tucked in your sheets, numb to the world. Just as you were about to drift off, a soft knock sounded from your door.

“Come in,” your voice sounded raspy and weak.

“It’s me,” Bucky opened the door gently and stuck his head in. “I just came to see how you were feeling ‘cause you didn’t come to breakfast this morning. You still feel bad?” he walked to your side, putting the back of his fingers to your forehead like your mother used to do.

You huffed a laugh and feebly swatted his hand away. “I’ll be fine tomorrow Buck, I just… need to rest today.” You didn’t feel like really explaining the whole thing.

You could tell he had more questions he wasn’t asking but once again he just nodded. He probably understood anyway. I mean, a guy originally from the 1940s having been through what he went through probably knows a thing or two about depression. You just didn’t really like talking about it. It always feels like you’re whining when you do, making you feel guilty about it and just making it worse.

“Okay well text me and let me know if you need anything okay? Anything. I mean it.” He pointed a finger you with the mock demand as he backed towards the door.

“Will do, soldier.” You answered as he shut the door and you turned over to let sleep take you again before your brain started going and you couldn’t go back to sleep.

It was twelve o’clock when he (you knew it was Bucky from how he tapped) knocked on the door again.

“It’s me again.” He muffled through the closed door.

“Come in,” you muffled loud enough into your pillow so he could hear as you turned to face the door.

“What do you want for lunch?” he asked expectantly.

You let out a sigh. “You don’t have to take care of me.”

“That’s not what I asked. I said what do you want to eat for lunch? I’ll bring it to you.” He cocked his head to the side and crossed his arms over his chest. You knew he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

You let out another big sigh as you flipped on your back. “Chicken noodle soup is fine.”

“What to drink?”

“Water.” You say looking up at him.

“Water? Are you sure you don’t want something better? We’ve got tons of stuff and you know Stark’s got that machine that can pretty much make whatever you want.”

“Waters fine, buck” you close your eyes, turning your head away from him.

Bucky lets out a loud sigh, but concedes anyway.

“Alrighty. Chicken noodle soup and a _water_ ,” He says the last word disapprovingly, “Comin’ right up.” He leaves and shuts the door.

Now you knew you weren’t going to be able to sleep anymore, so you just got on your phone, browsing social media and blogging, trying to keep your mind occupied so you wouldn’t think too much. Your thoughts always turned dark the longer you let your mind wander.

Steve came in to check on you about an hour later.

“Hey sweetheart, Bucky said you weren’t feeling well. Anything I can get ya?” Steve sat gently on the side of your bed.

“You Brooklyn boys sure know how to treat a girl.” You half smiled up at him.

“Just how we were raised ma’am” Steve smiled that crooked, charming smile that you loved. “But really. You okay?”

“It’s really nothing, Steve. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” You pushed yourself up to lean against the wall behind you, reaching to stuff a pillow behind your back.

Steve looked at you with an all too knowing look. He always was too perceptive for his own good, but he just nodded at you, letting you keep your secrets. He got up to leave and you stopped him right before he walked through the doorway.

“Steve?”

“hm?” he stopped with one hand on the door knob.

“I don’t wanna sound demanding but… Bucky said he’d get me soup but that was an hour ago. Could you get me some? I think he forgot.” You asked sheepishly, but your stomach was kind of growling now.

“Oh, no he’s working on it. It should be almost ready. Any minute now,” he reassured.

You looked at him thoroughly confused. “but it takes like a minute and a half to microwave it?” you huffed out a laugh, hoping he didn’t go out and buy a can just to heat up for you.

“Oh we didn’t have any so he’s making it from scratch for you. It’s smelling great. I think you’re gonna love it.” he beamed back at you until he saw your expression and it faltered a bit.

“He WHAT?!” you almost had a stroke.

You put your hands over your face and let your head lean back to the wall as you talked through your hands. “Alright. Thanks Steve. I’ll let you know if I need anything.” you let your hands drop.

He nodded at you and left without another word.

You were glad he’d just left it at that. You needed a minute to grasp this. There’s NO WAY he’s doing that … that’s so much. Why would he go through the trouble? Why not just ask what else you wanted?  You would have never asked so much of him. Now you felt guilty that he was going through so much trouble to get you food you didn’t even really ask for.

He knocked on the door a few minutes later and peaked in when you didn’t reply.

“Hey doll, here’s your soup.” He walked in with a tray and sat on the edge of your bed as he placed the tray on your lap and opened the legs on the bottom.

“James. Buchanan. Barnes.” You looked at him with your arms crossed and an exasperated look on your face. “I can’t believe you. Why didn’t you just ask me for something else?”

“Well that’s what you said you wanted, so I wanted to make it for you. I always made Steve one of his favorites when he was sick and it always made him feel better. I just want you to feel better.” He smiled softly at you with so much kindness, it made your eyes prick with tears threatening to form.

“And I know you said water, but it wouldn’t have tasted good with the soup, so I made you some sweet iced tea like your mom would make.” He gestured to the glass of sweet tea and thankfully didn’t look up as he was talking because there really were tears forming now.

“And I hope the soup is good,” he continued talking excitedly about the meal, “I found a southern recipe on the internet from whoever Paula Deen is?? So I hope it’s good. Steve said it tasted good though.”

He finally looked up and saw your tears.

“Hey hey, none of that now. I’m trying to make you feel better, not worse.” He joked as he brushed his thumb down your cheek wiping away a tear that just fell.

“Buck I…” you shook your head. All of a sudden it was too much. You didn’t have words. He was being too sweet and you didn’t know how to handle it right now. “You really didn’t have to do all this.”

“I know, but I wanted to.” His eyes searched yours as he tried to reassure you without words.

You sniffled as you smiled back at him. “I’m sure its wonderful Buck. This is too sweet of you. It really means a lot to me.” You tried to find words but still felt like you were rambling and sounding stupid so you stopped and just smiled, hoping it was enough to thank him.

His smile widened as he got up. “You’re welcome, doll.” With that, he walked out of the room leaving the door open.

You took a deep, steadying breath as you wiped your eyes on your shirt and picked up the spoon to eat.

The soup was indeed wonderful. He really was an amazing cook.

You let each spoonful radiate its warmth outwards and willed it to warm the rest of your body. It was just on the edge of too hot but it warmed your body perfectly. The chicken was perfectly tender, the noodles cooked softly and the broth was literally the best broth you’ve ever tasted with just the right amount of eggs in it. His sweet tea was surprisingly perfect, considering how picky you were about your sweet tea. Ever since you had finally moved out of the south, you rarely got sweet tea because no one really knew how to make it like you liked it. But this was almost perfectly how you liked it.

You were savoring each bite, loving how you could make yourself concentrate on the simple action, when Bucky reappeared a few minutes later with a sandwich and a beer. He moved to the foot of your bed and hopped up to sit cross-legged, perpendicular to you, with his back on the wall that your bed touched.

“What are you doin?” you laughed as he took a monstrous bite out of his double decker sandwich.

“Thought you might want some company.” He muffled around the bite of food and swishing his hair out of his face with a shake of his head.

“You’re not even gonna eat the soup you painstakingly labored over?” you gestured with your spoon to your half empty bow.

“Nah, made that soup for you. No one else. You can eat the leftovers later if you want. I told the others to keep out but you might not wanna wait too long on that. You know how they are about food.” He laughed as he took another chuck out of his food.

The companionable silence was easy as you both ate, just enjoying the ease of each other’s silent company. You practically licked your bowl clean and set it and the tray on the floor next to your bed as you grabbed the glass of tea on your nightstand. The cold condensation dripping down your wrist causing goosebumps as you pulled your covers a little closer.

“Welp,” you said with a grin “you would have made an excellent housewife back in the day, Barnes.”

“Guess we’ll never know.” he joked as he wadded up his napkin and tossed it like a basketball into the trashcan across the room.

“So you gonna tell me what’s really wrong?” he said, causing a knot to form in your stomach. So much for lighthearted talks.

“Is this my payment for the meal?” you joked, hoping to keep the mood light.

“The meal is free of charge, sweetheart. I just wanted to know what was really wrong to see if I could help make it okay.” He turned more towards you, leaning in, his hair dropping in front to frame his face and stubble.

There it was again. The concerned look on his face that made your chest ache.

You tried to smile but it faltered. “It’s not something you can really fix, but I really do appreciate the sentiment. The food was really nice Buck.” You didn’t want it to sound as though he hadn’t helped at because he had. It’s just that it was something only time could really help.

“Try me.” He said. His face impossible to read. Passive.

You let out a humorless laugh. “I just don’t really know what you want me to say.”

He just stared at you, unmoving. Face still. He was waiting on you to continue.

“You want me to tell you all about my depression? About how some days I can’t feel anything and nothing matters?”

You could feel your heartbeat speed up as this anger boiled in you seemingly from nowhere.

“How I’ll go from feeling absolutely nothing to feeling way too much in a matter of minutes and for no reason? Or maybe how sometimes I can feel my brain shutting down in a situation where I absolutely cannot zone out and I almost cry with the anxiety that it leaves me with because sometimes it’s a life or death situation for me and others. But does my brain care about that? No. Does anybody? No. Nobody wants to hear that.” you stared at him, tears brimming in your eyes as you grit your teeth. You’re not sure where this sudden anger came from but it just only fueled your mood even more. Here you are taking it out on this guy who’s been nothing but amazing to you and he doesn’t deserve it. And here comes more guilt.

“I care!” He said, matching your intensity. “I’ll listen. If you just want to scream at me and let it all out, you can. If that’s what you need, then do it. Just scream, cry if it’ll help.” He searched your eyes in earnest, willing you to believe him. “I just want you to be real with me. You don’t have to pretend to be okay a hundred percent of the time. Not with me. And nobody is okay all the time, especially not me. And I know you don’t think I know what you’re going through but believe me I do.” His voice lowered to just above a whisper.

“I know the signs. I see you going through it, and I know we’ve been getting a little closer but I didn’t want to scare you by being too personal too fast. But I think it’s time now. It’s time for me to be here for you. And it’s time for you to _let_ somebody be there for you.” The sincerity in his words and in his eyes only spurred the tears on more. The tears rolled down your cheeks as his words sunk in and your resolve crumbled. You put your face in your hands.

“shhh, sweetheart it’s okay. I’m right here.” He hushed as he scooted next to you to wrap his arms around you, pulling you into his embrace as you cried.

You let yourself cry it out a couple minutes as he rubbed his hand soothingly on your back, until you felt the waves receding. You sniffled as you wiped your eyes and face on the inside of your shirt. You didn’t care how ridiculous you looked anymore. Couldn’t get much worse than this anyway. You pulled up and tried to catch your breath.

“I’m sorry, it’s just my emotions are all over the place. It’s like I have two sides: hot and cool. The hot side is screaming at me to get up out of bed sometimes and its crying and its frustrated, it’s throwing a fit. But it’s like it’s in chains. The cold side is darker. It’s numb and has no feeling. No emotion. It’s like it lays there hearing the muffled screams of the other half, knowing it should get up but it doesn’t. Cant or wont, I don’t know.” you shake your head as you hear how ridiculous you sound, because you’ve never voiced your thoughts about it like this to anymore. “And just like now, I go from nothing, to a blubbering mess in a couple seconds and its fucking stupid.” You fist your hands in the sheets angrily.

“Shhh no. don’t be sorry for anything that you feel. And it’s okay doll to let go. It’s not stupid. Don’t ever feel stupid for telling me how you feel okay?” he ducked his head to look you in the eyes and waited until you nodded.

“I know exactly what it feels like. My depression used to have me gripped so tight at the throat, I couldn’t speak. And if I did, I exploded. I’d walk around not saying a word for days sometimes. And then all of a sudden, one little thing would set me off. It was like I was a machine again. Or maybe a bomb. Its times like that I was way more Winter Soldier than I ever want to be again.”

You looked at him with you eyebrows drawn together. You had the urge to reach out and hold his face in your hands but you squished the useless feeling down. The years of pain was evident in his eyes now. You’d never quite seem this way. You didn’t have words, so you didn’t try to find any.

“I know you haven’t seen me like that, so it may be hard to imagine, but I used to be in a much darker place. I’d been working on it a lot and sort of getting better and then one day, I found a reason to really get better.” He smiled softly at you like you were supposed to know the answer but it didn’t come to you.

“And what was your reason?” you asked, confused.

“You moved in to the tower.” He blushed as he smiled, and he finally shook his head and looked away. “I know it sounds ridiculous, because I hear the way I sound but…” he huffed a laugh.

“You walked in that day and I swear, maybe it was coincidence and the curtains moved with the wind when you opened the door, but I swear it looked like the room literally got brighter when you walked in it. You looked stunning, even having been riding in a plane and a taxi for a while. I ran up to help you with your luggage and almost couldn’t speak when you smiled up at me.” He spoke looking off to the side now, as he was remembering.” He huffed a laugh to himself and looked back at you with a look of love that absolutely floored you and you’re pretty sure your heart stopped.

“I haven’t had a bad episode since that day. I mean I still have bad days, but it’s nothing like it used to be. I just try to keep in mind that I have to be strong for you. You were the warmth that defrosted my cold days,” He huffed out a laugh and shook his head, “as cheesy as that sounds...” He looked to you in earnest as his confessions flowed easier now.

 “You made me smile and actually feel something again.” His eyes were so full of hope, and light, and love that it was hard for you to believe that this was happening and you weren’t hallucinating. You tried to push the haze from your mind and put everything into focusing on him. His words. His eyes.

 “I know this is a lot, but I just had to tell you. I hadn’t really planned to, but when I saw you were going to somewhere dark, I knew I had to do whatever I could to help. I’m so sorry you feel like you do. I never wanted you to feel anything close to what I did and I’m gonna do anything in my power to try to stop it. No I can’t cure you, but I know exactly what you’re going through. And in the days your demons are just too strong and they’re pulling you down and you can’t get out of bed, you can just call me and I’ll be here. Right here next to you as long as you need me to be.” He cupped your cheek with his hand and smiled at you. “I don’t know if you feel the same, but if you don’t, it’s okay. I still want to be here in whatever capacity you’ll let me.”

You let out a breath you weren’t aware you’d been holding.

 “Buck, I…” you felt hot tears forming again. This time, they were mostly happy tears. You lunged into his chest, wrapping your arms around him as he almost lost his balance. He let out a laugh and wrapped his arms back around you.

“I guess that’s a yes?” he laughed as he leaned back against the wall, pulling you tighter. You nodded into his chest and closed your eyes. You loved the feeling of his warm arms wrapped around you, engulfing you. You felt protected. You stayed that way for a few minutes until you sat up to take a drink of your tea. As you sat it down you looked back at him at really let yourself look at him face to face without feeling too awkward about it. You smiled knowing you’d be getting very well acquainted with all there is to know about Bucky Barnes soon.

“Lay down with me?” you said, your voice still thick from crying as you smiled at him and scooted down to lay under your covers.

“Anything, doll.” He smiled back as he lifted up the covers and situated himself on his back and pulled you into his side.

 You laid your head on his chest with your right arm stretched across him to hold his hand. You lifted your right leg to lay over both of his until you were comfortable and sighed contentedly.

He huffed a small laugh as he carded a hand through your hair. “Comfortable?” his words reverberated through his chest to your ear.

“mmhm.” You mumbled, already on your way to sleep.

“Good.” You could hear the smile in his voice.

As you were just on the edge of a dream, you felt his lips ghost a kiss into your hair.

“Go to sleep sweet heart. I got you. I’m right here.” He whispered into your hair as you drifted off with a smile still on your face. Whatever happened from now on, you’d be okay, because now you had someone to help you through it. No matter what.


End file.
